I think there probably has been a time in all of our lives where we just want to feel normal. We want things to be ok, to feel alright, for things to stop being messed up, and just...be...normal. Maybe you cried about it or yelled about it or swore and screamed and punched a pillow. Maybe you were mad at the Universe, or God, as you understood them. Maybe you channeled it into art- music, painting, dance, written or spoken word, hoping that the feelings would be expressed in a way someone else could understand and share in your feeling, that longing for things to be normal. Maybe that’s why you’re reading this right now.
Normal is a tricky thing, though, and a fickle friend. And sometimes, when we want things to be normal, the things we really are asking for are so much deeper than just, a better job, or to not fight with our partner, or to just once have our kid eat a vegetable without a meltdown. Normal in those situations might mean, I just want to feel safe, for things to be stable, predictable, and even. But (you knew there would be a but) are we at an unwinnable war with our own ideals? If we wish to never have discord with our partners, if we want that our children are always well behaved and un-picky, or we want a dream job with easy work, high pay, and short days, are we equating normal with perfect and hoping, in a magical thinking kind of way, that perfection is actually achievable? This kind of longing for normal begs us to look at the stories we tell ourselves, and what our real needs are. Maybe something does really need to change. Maybe we need to have the hard talk with the family, or with our boss, or make a career change. And perhaps we need to have a heart to heart with ourselves and listen to the stories we are telling ourselves. What am I making it mean that I feel frustrated about work? What does it say about me as a parent if my child doesn’t like broccoli? What do I believe to be true about myself and my partner if we disagree about things? Really listening carefully to the stories we are telling ourselves can give us some good information about what to do next.
But, sometimes we want things to be normal because life is hard and we just can’t find the
energy to keep up the struggle. Like, maybe your car is broken down again, and you can’t afford to be late to work, but the bus takes an hour, and you forgot your lunch, your mom’s been sick, and if your cousin asks you for $20 just one more time, it might be the last straw. Normal might feel like such a relief. Maybe normal means a life without the kinds of stress that keep you up at night worried about the morning. Normal would be having time to take care of yourself, to get done some of the things that maybe have been put off over and over again, and relax. This kind of yearning for normal gets into our brains like a song we don’t like and erodes at our sense of who we are. It can also really hurt our ability to be kind to ourselves. How many times have we just tried to ignore how we feel and carry on, just one more day, one more shift, it's fine, I’m fine, I can take one more for the team, all the while feeling resentful or angry. It’s not fair, no one else has to struggle like this, I hate it, what’s wrong with me. Why can’t I get it right? Other people have it so easy.
All of that- the self-doubt, the questioning, the anger, are such normal reactions to abnormal stuff. Life can be really hard, and no one gives us a map through it, we kind of fuddle along and make things up as we go, and if we can just give ourselves enough tough love style motivation we will get through. The trouble with tough love is that it’s really tough! We talk down to ourselves in the name of motivation: come on, loser, what’s wrong with you that you can’t just do this one thing? Are you so stupid you can’t figure it out? Such a loser magnet, maybe you don’t deserve a good thing, and probably wouldn’t see it if you did have it. Maybe things with the ex weren’t really that bad. But let’s pause here before anyone calls their exes. Normal would feel so good but let’s look a little deeper for just a minute. What does this kind of normalcy really represent? Under the want for things to work right, or go smoothly, what are we really looking for? Is it peace of mind? And if it is, doesn’t it stand that peace of mind starts in our minds and self-talk? What if we assume that this is as good a place as any to start, and get really curious about what might happen if we started speaking more kindly to ourselves? In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy there are six steps to self-compassion. The first one is acknowledging that something hurts, that sometimes life is hard, and things can suck out loud. This simple but profound step goes a long way. We don’t have to deny to ourselves what we already know: there is something eating away at us right now. Which goes right into the second part: validating that what we’re feeling is ok. Validating that struggle for ourselves, especially when no one else can or will, letting ourselves know that it’s normal to feel sad when things are not going how we’d hoped they would, is one move closer to being able to have the whole experience of self-compassion. After we acknowledge what hurts and give ourselves some kindness around it, step 3 is to disarm our inner critic. I bet if you ask that voice inside that tells you to suck it up “what do you really want, anyway?” that voice wants you to Get Things Done. The voice is trying to help, but it’s a bit off the mark. So put it back! Let it know, hey, I hear you over there trying to keep me going, it’s cool though if you don’t do that right now. It’s ok if you
don’t. Let that voice know you are ok to get through with some softer words right now. What
would you say if a friend of yours was struggling, or a small child you care about? That’s step 4- be your own bestie. Next (this one is hardest sometimes) is to make room for things to feel not ok all the time. To be ok with not really feeling ok. That the reality is, things aren’t always going to feel good, and wishing they did, or that bad times would stop, is just fighting against what’s real which, spoiler: is a losing fight.
Last but not least is to see ourselves in others. To look for what unites us, our common ground, our community is to find ways of engaging with other people and feeling less alone in our struggle. Other people don’t have it better all the time. Why can’t we be like our friend who never seems to get sick, or our other friend whose marriage seems perfect? Instead of focusing on what makes us different, look for what makes us the same. That friend who doesn’t get sick but has a great sense of kindness and loves to come over and cook with us, or the friend with the good marriage whose kids also hate the same vegetables our kids hate. We have way more in common than we think, if we look for it, and looking for it helps build community, which might be just what we really need.
I don’t think wanting to be normal is always a trap. I think it’s a message. Sometimes we’re
disillusioned, or we’re telling ourselves things could be perfect and fighting against what we see as the lack of perfection. Or we want things to fit in, to be accepted, to look agreeable to
society, even if what we really want is to find ways to stand out. And sometimes normal is
longing for stability. In any form that it shows up, it’s this super common reaction to life. And we don’t have to beat ourselves up about it.
Reference:
Harris, R. (2019). ACT made simple: an easy-to-read primer on acceptance and commitment
therapy (2nd ed.). New Harbinger Publications.
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